Completing Cycles and Doing Hard Things
Today, we welcome the New Moon in Virgo. The beginning, the rebirth, the initiation of a new cycle. Over the past few days, we have walked through the dark moon in Leo, marking the end of the previous lunar cycle.
Like the moon, we too experience cycles. Although men go through cycles as well, women in particular are cyclical beings. Our menstrual cycles mimic the roughly 28 day cycle of the moon. Each bleed is a new beginning - a rite of passage. A shedding of the old, and the opportunity to grow and experience something new.
My teacher Kimberly Johnson mentioned that this cyclical nature may be part of the reason why women are particularly sensitive to incomplete cycles. Trauma is a prime example of an incomplete cycle - thwarted impulses, incomplete motor responses, words left unspoken, actions unable to be taken, moments frozen in time.
For me, incomplete cycles caused by sexual trauma lead to sticking points in my life. My system continued to recreate scenarios that mimicked previous traumas. For many years, I did not recognize this pattern as my nervous system giving me opportunities to heal and rewrite my past narrative. I stayed stuck in the victim role, occupying the “prey” side of my nervous system, unable to speak up or take action to protect and defend myself.
Recently, I recognized that each time I got triggered and returned to that traumatized space, I was being called to heal. I was being called to stand up for the younger version of me whose impulses to fight were thwarted. I was being called to mobilize my fight response. I was being called to take my power back. I was being called to rewrite the story. I was being called to complete the cycle so I could move on. I became open to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, it was possible to get UNSTUCK!
Two complete lunar cycles have now passed since I did one of the hardest things I have ever done. For over 12 years, I had dreamed of the day when I would walk into a police station with my head held high and tell the truth of what happened to me.
First, for a little background, when my assaults first happened, I did not want to report them. I wanted to hide them, keep them a secret, and never tell anyone. Eventually, I was able to share about these experiences with people I was close to and trusted. Then, there was a point within the year following my first two assaults that I was overcome with a desire to report them and take action on my own behalf. Unfortunately, I was shamed and discouraged by adults and authority figures in my life and never followed through.
As a result, this cycle remained incomplete for over a decade. I have continued to find myself in situations, particularly in relationships with men, where I know I need to speak up for myself, but I can’t. I have felt stuck, paralyzed, and frozen. I have not been able to fully claim my dignity and worth. I have allowed myself to be mistreated and tolerated behaviors I knew were not ok with me. Deep down, I have always known that making a police report would be an important part of my healing journey, but I was unable to follow through with it. I was so close so many times, but never found the courage to walk through the doors, look an officer in the eye, and speak my truth. I just wasn’t ready… until I was.
On July 20, 2020, the day of the second New Moon in Cancer, I did it. I completed the cycle. In a closet-sized interview room with padded walls, I spoke my truth. My voice shook, but my spirit did not waiver. I took action on my own behalf. The final trigger that gave me the courage I needed to follow through with making the report was all the news that has recently come out about child sex trafficking. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, it was important for me to speak up not only for myself, but for all survivors. Although my abuse happened a long time ago and there is virtually no chance that my abusers will ever be prosecuted, making an official report was still important for me. The report was not about punishing THEM, it was about standing up for ME. It was about having an official record that these events happened, they were wrong, and NOBODY can ever hurt me like that again and get away with it. I will not be silenced any longer.
The whole experience was surreal. My angel baby sister came with me. We have an incredibly deep and special bond, and she has always been there for every hard thing I have ever done. Through every cycle and every setback, she has been right there loving me and encouraging me to be my best self. Due to COVID-19 protocols, she was unable to accompany me into the station when I actually made the report. Although I was infinitely grateful to have her support beforehand while I waited and her arms to collapse into and her shoulder to cry on afterwards, in many ways, it was perfect that I ultimately did it alone. Every time I have ever envisioned making this report (which has been at least a few times a week for the past 12+ years), I have always pictured doing it alone. Looking back on my life, I have always done all the hardest things alone. I have amazing people in my life who love and support me, but when it really comes down to it, I have had to hold myself through the absolute lowest points, and this was no different.
Throughout the last decade, I have talked about these events in therapy and with my close friends. However, nothing could have prepared me for the level of detail I would need to go into with the police. The intensity of describing the worst moments of my life in vivid detail was unlike anything I have ever experienced. I spent most of the interview completely dissociated and detached, as if I was describing these assaults happening to someone else, but eventually I broke down in tears.
I wanted to stop and run out of there then, but I didn’t. I kept going. I didn’t quit. I continuously reminded myself that I am safe now. I continuously reminded myself that they cannot hurt me anymore. I continuously reminded myself that WE CAN DO HARD THINGS! I drew inspiration from all the men and women who have come before me and spoken the truth of their abuse. If they could do it, so could I. And if I can do it, so can YOU! Together, we can do hard things. We can complete cycles. We can heal. Even months, years, or decades later, it is never too late to follow through with the actions you could not take at earlier times in your life.
I walked out of the police station feeling about 1,000 lbs lighter. I knew I had just done an incredibly brave and important thing. It felt like the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new one. I wish I could say it completely healed me, took all the pain of those traumas away, and allowed me to immediately behave differently in all my interactions with men, but that would be a lie. This has not been the case. I still stumble, I still fall, I still make mistakes. However, a profound shift has taken place. I feel it deep in my bones. I have come to know through years of experience that no single action or breakthrough is going to completely erase years of living with the long term impact of complex trauma. However, experiences like this one are giant leaps forward.
Even though I may have appeared broken down or defeated as I walked out of the station that afternoon, July 20th was truly one of the most TRIUMPHANT days of my life. It is a day I will never forget. I DID IT! No matter where this crazy journey of life takes me or how many twists and turns I take as I walk this road of healing, nobody can ever take this experience away from me. I chose to do the hard thing. I chose to be brave. I chose to complete the cycle. I chose to heal. Never, ever forget - WE CAN DO HARD THINGS! I am here for you if you need support next time you are given the opportunity to do a hard thing to help yourself heal. I’ll hold your hand. I’ll cheer you on. I’ll celebrate even the tiniest little victory with you. WE GOT THIS! Let’s keep choosing to do hard things. Let’s continue completing cycles so we can get unstuck and move on. I am here to tell you that it is not easy, but it is always worth it.