As I prepare to guide an incredible group of brave souls through THE DEEP: Identity, this period of preparation has naturally invited a lot of self-reflection for me about my journey with false identities, limiting beliefs, and my return home to the truth of who I am. What a journey it has been and the amount of freedom I have today as a result of this journey is truly remarkable. My life today is beyond anything I ever thought would be possible for me. 

I know firsthand the power of limiting beliefs and a negative self-concept. I know how far astray one can go when they lose touch with the truth of who they are. I know because I have experienced it play out in my own life. I exhibited my first signs of depression around age eight. I was a child - still so young, tender, and innocent, but I was already beginning to hate myself. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin and I just  felt different. I never felt good enough. By the time I was nine years old, I was so strongly identified with the belief that I was “bad” and “wrong” that I started cutting myself. I upset someone close to me and my inner voice said, “you are a bad child and need to be punished.” So I punished myself. This first experience with self-harm is so vividly ingrained into my memory. I don’t think I will ever forget it. This became my primary coping mechanism for many years. A few years later, I started drinking to further numb the emotional pain and the self-hatred I lived with on a daily basis. 

I spent over a decade of my life trying to destroy myself in any way I could. I got so close to complete self-destruction so many times. This is the power of limiting beliefs and false identities. I was never bad. I was never wrong. I was never broken, damaged, or unlovable. However, my belief that I was made it so. The reality of my life was constructed upon these beliefs, so I was constantly creating situations that confirmed them. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. The level of shame and self-hatred I lived with on a daily basis was crushing. I was so far removed from the truth of who I was. I was so far removed from identification with wholeness. I was so disconnected from myself that the journey back home to my truth seemed impossible. 

When I was 18, I was officially diagnosed with a whole slew of mental health disorders. At first, I welcomed these labels because they helped me explain the way I was. They helped me explain my dysfunctional behaviors and why I could not seem to get control of them. When I was first diagnosed, these conditions were assigned to me like a life sentence. You were born this way, it is genetic, you will never heal. Do your best to take these medications, go to therapy, and hope for a mediocre quality of life. Being still so disconnected from my soul, my wholeness, and my truth, these disorders became my new identity. I accepted that I would never actually heal. I would never be whole. I would never be completely free from these afflictions. 

About four years later, someone I loved and trusted suggested that maybe, just maybe, healing was possible for me. Perhaps I was not born broken and these disorders and self-destructive behaviors instead arose out of trauma I had experienced in my life. At first, I was incredibly resistant to this suggestion. For the first few months, I literally FOUGHT against this idea. Deep down, I was afraid. As miserable as I was, there was a safety in the life I had constructed for myself. There was a familiarity in the chaos and the turmoil. My entire life was structured around the routine of when to take my meds, how to avoid triggers, and then how to do damage control after the inevitable episode. As much as I wanted the freedom that would come with true healing, there was a part of me deep down that thought, “If I am not sick and damaged, then who am I?”

The complete loss of my sense of self was my biggest barrier to healing at the beginning. It was so scary to even entertain the idea that everything I thought about myself was false. I was so committed to the idea that I was born broken that I couldn’t even imagine a world in which that was not true. Not only did it challenge my very identity, but it also placed a lot of responsibility on me that I wasn’t sure I was ready for. If I wasn’t born like this and I didn’t have to just simply accept this mediocre existence for the rest of my life, then I had some control over the path of my life. It was on me to face myself and do this work. That was terrifying to me at first.

The truth about healing is it is not all love and light. It is hard work. It is confronting. It is intense. It is not for the faint of heart. It is for those who want to be free and embody their joy. It is for those who are willing to do whatever it takes to gain this freedom. The love and light are the reward for facing the darkness and the shadow. The only way out is through. You must be willing to lean into the full human experience in order to heal - the darkness and the light, the painful and the liberating, the depths of grief and the ecstasy of joy, and everything in between. Completely reconstructing your identity is no easy task; however, it is absolutely the most worthwhile endeavor I have ever embarked on.

Breathwork was the primary tool I used on this healing journey. Twice a month, I would lay down on my therapist’s couch and breathe. By this point in my life, I had done talk therapy for about 10 years and I was pretty skeptical of therapy’s ability to do much of anything except keep me stuck in my story and continue to reaffirm my limiting beliefs. However, I walked into that session with an open mind and an open heart. I laid down on the couch, closed my eyes, and breathed. I wanted to be free from my limiting beliefs and the false identities that were keeping me miserable and stuck. I wanted to fall asleep easily and be able to sleep through the night without waking up in terror. Most of all, I wanted to stop hating myself. I wanted to stop identifying with my brokenness. I wanted to feel whole. I wanted to feel like I was enough. I wanted to look in the mirror, see into my soul, and love what was being reflected back to me. All of this seemed so far out of reach, but I was willing to at least try. What did I have to lose??

So I breathed. And I cried. And I screamed. And I purged. I felt feelings I had spent my entire life trying to avoid through self-harm, drinking, and drugs. It was hard and it was painful. But each intense session helped me shed one more layer that was blocking me from the truth of who I was. I began to heal. I felt different than I ever had in my life. I started to feel like I was enough. I started to remember my wholeness. I began decreasing the dosages of my medication, under the close supervision of my psychiatrist. (Note: I am NOT a medical professional. I am simply sharing my experience. A licensed physician’s care is essential when considering changing dosages or going off any medication entirely.) As I worked through my trauma and started getting triggered less, I learned relationship skills and ways to navigate difficult life situations in healthier ways. 

Breathwork was such a powerful healer for me. I faced myself in ways I never would have otherwise. I needed to get out of my head and into my body. I needed to access the memories that had contributed to my beliefs that I was bad, broken, damaged, and unlovable so that I could feel the pain and release it. I had stuffed down so much pain and so much hurt in my life, thinking that if I could just avoid it for long enough, it would go away. However, that is not the way it works. In order to free myself from limiting beliefs and false identities, I had to feel the pain of their roots. I had to acknowledge where they came from. Each breathwork experience brought me closer to the truth of who I was. Another session, another layer shed. Another step closer to remembering my truth and embodying my wholeness. 

A mentor of mine in early sobriety would always direct my attention to the specific language of the Second Step, which states that we were “restored to sanity.” The word “restore” literally means, “to return (someone or something) to a former condition, place, or position.” Therefore, for me to be “restored” to sanity, I must have been sane already at some point in my life. This challenged the core of my belief that I was born broken. If I could be restored to my original condition, that original condition must have been one of wholeness, sanity, and unconditional self-love. Throughout my breathwork sessions, I held on to this promise. I was not constructing something completely new. I was instead deconstructing everything that was blocking me from the truth that had been present all along. I was remembering. I was returning home. I was committing to identification with my true nature. 

As time went on, I began incorporating more yoga nidra into my practice. Breathwork helped me tremendously in shedding the false identities I had constructed and identified with so strongly. Yoga nidra helped me center the truth of who I was and remember that I was born whole and complete. I began meditating on the question, “who am I?” I have sat with this question in meditation, I have brought it to my journal, and I have explored it through movement. I have asked myself this question almost every day since I committed to this path of healing and remembrance. It is so interesting to ask this question and observe what immediately comes to mind. For a long time for me, the first responses would have been “broken, damaged, sick, cutter, rape victim, anorexic, crazy chick, hope to die addict, and the list goes on.” As I started healing and released some of these more damaging identities, what came up was, “sister, friend, daughter, woman, teacher, student.” Although these labels do not carry the damaging weight of the first list, they are still just identities I have constructed and cling to to establish some sense of self in this crazy world. But what if I go deeper? Who am I deep in my soul? It is different for all of us, but for me personally, I believe the core essence of who I am is JOY! As I started really embodying this truth, everyone who knows me instantly agreed. I believe a huge part of my dharma in this life is to embody joy, spread joy, and help others connect to their authentic joy through healing. 

In addition to this essence of joy, what I know to be true today is that I am whole. I have everything I need inside me. I am perfectly imperfect and unique. I have a purpose that can only be expressed through me and every experience I have had in this life has been a necessary step on my path of awakening. I needed each of these experiences to get me to a place where I felt so broken and so desperate that I had no choice but to return home. I had no choice but to awaken to my truth. 

These days, for the most part, I genuinely love myself. Of course, some parts are harder to love, and some days self-love is more difficult to access than others. I am still a human and life is just hard some days. However, most of the time, when I look in the mirror, I am so infinitely proud of the soul I see. I love what is being reflected back to me when I gaze into my own eyes. I am so clear that any belief or any identity that contradicts my wholeness is a lie. I stay committed to releasing the lies and centering the truth. I use my tools daily. These days, yoga nidra is a daily nonnegotiable for me, and I practice breathwork about once a week, and more if I need it. 

Healing is a lifelong journey. It is a commitment to showing up for yourself each and every day. It means allowing yourself to be exactly where you are in each and every moment. It is about never giving up no matter how many times you stumble. Yesterday, I celebrated five years without a major mental health episode. This is something my psychiatrist loved to remind me was statistically near impossible for someone with my diagnosis. I was filled with so much pride yesterday. I reflected on the depths of where I have been, how far I have come, and all that is still before me to experience.

As I sat with myself in quiet, reflective celebration of this milestone, I couldn’t help but listen to Snoop Dogg’s incredible speech from when he received his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. At the end of the speech he says, “Last, but not least, I wanna thank me. I wanna thank me for believing in me. I wanna thank me for doing all this hard work. I wanna thank me for having no days off. I wanna thank me for never quitting. I wanna thank me for always being a giver and trying to give more than I receive. I wanna thank me for trying to do more right than wrong. I wanna thank me for just being me at all times.” 

YESSSS!! The oh, so wise Snoop Dogg really sums up what it is like to be on a healing path in this speech. Healing is hard work and nobody can do it for you. It is important to have support on this path and I am grateful for all the support I have received; however, nobody did the work for me. Remembering your truth requires taking no days off. Even on the days when it is painful and you want to quit, you must keep going. Progress requires a commitment to do more right than wrong. It is progress, over perfection always, in all ways. And finally, freedom comes from the willingness to JUST BE YOU at all times. That is the greatest gift right there. Limitless potential and infinite freedom is what is waiting for you on the other side of your limiting beliefs. I promise, it is worth it. It is with humility and the deepest reverence for these practices that I have chosen to dedicate my life to helping others find the freedom I have found. 

I challenge you today to examine the limiting beliefs you hold and the false identities you have constructed. Sit quietly. Notice them. Maybe even begin to trace the roots of those beliefs. Where do they come from? Then ask yourself, “what would be possible for me if I replaced these limiting beliefs with liberating beliefs and chose to center my wholeness?” Comment on this blog post and let me know what comes up for you. If it feels too private, email me. I would love to discuss this further with you in whatever way feels aligned for you. If you would like a guide as you undertake this exploration, click here for more information on my upcoming nine week healing journey, THE DEEP: Identity. It is going to be powerful. I would love to have you there.