In this blog post, I am going to do something I don’t normally do and talk about something I have absolutely no experience with nor have specific expertise in. That topic is birth. 

Birth is something that has always fascinated me. I have always been drawn to the subject for as long as I can remember. Maybe it is because I am the oldest of four children and births were a big part of my childhood. I vividly remember the birth of each one of my sisters. I was only 2 years old when my sister Erin was born, but I actually have images of the day I met her in my memory bank. I think this may be my earliest memory of life.

It was always so exciting! I would watch my sisters grow in my mama’s belly for nine months (although, I only knew about it for probably the last six months or so), and then one day, she and my dad would disappear for a while, and I would wait in anticipation for the phone call. The phone call to let me know I had a new sibling. It was always so hard to sleep those nights, knowing the next day I would get to put on my “I’m a big sister” t-shirt and go to the hospital to meet the new arrival. 

Back then, I had no idea what it took for my mom to bring us earthside. I always sensed she had been through something very significant when I arrived at the hospital to see her again. There was this look on her face that was equal parts radiance and exhaustion. I still have no firsthand experience with birthing a human being, but I have been gaining extensive experience with birthing my original offerings and creations for my business. I equate the creation and delivery of these offerings to the birthing process. Creation is creation; birth is birth. It all comes from the same energetic space.

My instagram feed is constantly flooded with intense images and videos of natural births. I follow a lot of doulas, midwives, and home birth accounts. As much as I expect to see this now when I open instagram, it never ceases to be a bit shocking. Babies crowning, primal screams, mamas roaring little humans earthside, and birth teams lovingly supporting the birthing mother. The thing that always strikes me about these videos is the intense, dramatic shift in energy that occurs as soon as the baby is placed on the mother’s chest. It truly is as if a threshold is crossed and an entirely different dimension is accessed as soon as the baby is born. As the baby is crowning and the mama is pushing the head out, the pain and anguish are obvious. At this point, she has been laboring for hours and stretched far beyond her capacity in every way. The physical and mental exhaustion have long set in and her body and spirit are literally and metaphorically being expanded beyond all she thought possible. 

Somewhere right around this point, in many of the videos I have watched, she declares she is giving up. She feels like she cannot possibly go on any longer. She wants an epidural, she wants to go to the hospital, she wants the pain to stop, she wants it to be over in any way possible. That is where the birth team comes in. Whether it is her partner, the midwife, the doula, a pet, or one of her other children, inevitably someone provides just the right encouragement to let her know that she CAN do it. She can keep going. Her body was built for birth. Her body knows exactly what to do. She has already come so far. She is 99% of the way there. Just stay the course. Just a little while longer. After a few more roars, a few more pushes, and a few more minutes of intensity and pain, mama meets her baby. The moment that little one is placed on her chest, in every single video, mama’s energy completely shifts. By extension, the energy in the entire room shifts. Where just moments ago, there was so much intensity, pain, and noise, there is now joy, calm, and peaceful celebration. I have probably watched hundreds of birth videos and every single time I burst into tears as soon as the baby is born and this energy shifts. It never fails to strike me as one of the most profound things I have ever witnessed and it never gets old. No matter how many times I watch this, it strikes me in the exact same way every time. It provokes such an intense emotional response. 

I have often wondered how women can go through such traumatic birth experiences and then return to do it several more times. Every time I watch a birth video, I am reminded of how that is possible. Nature has taken care of this, just as she takes care of everything else. The release of oxytocin and other “feel good” chemicals help erase the memory of the pain, intensity, and in some cases, trauma, that is birthing. The overwhelming pride, joy, and love when holding your child for the first time seemingly overrides the birthing experience. That degree of heart expansion is something I can only imagine for now, but hope to experience one day. 

Once again, I will reiterate the disclaimer that I am speaking on a topic I have yet to experience myself. I have never given birth and I know there is absolutely no way to generalize an experience as vast as birth. Each birth story is so unique and I am not attempting to speak in general terms about all births. Some births are traumatic, some are described as orgasmic. Some women have to push their babies out and others have the fetal ejection reflex. Some labors last days, and others minutes or hours. I want to be clear that I am not speaking as an expert on birth, but rather as a lifelong admirer of this beautiful process; this sacred portal women walk through. And of course, as a viewer of hundreds of birth videos.

What I do have a significant amount of experience with is birthing offerings for my business. Each has been crafted with love and intention and carries with it a piece of my soul. There is so much of me wrapped up in each one of these offerings. They come first and foremost from years of experience on my own healing journey. Just like birthing mothers, I have walked through fire to prepare myself for these creations to come through me. The creative process immediately leading up to the release of a new offering is the equivalent of labor and delivery; however, my years of personal experience with these practices is the equivalent of the gestation period. 

I tend to work in short, intense bursts. I don’t always love the fact that this is my process while I am in the midst of it. The intensity can be crushing and it takes a lot of strength and grit to get through these times. I have so many moments of wanting to quit, feeling like there is absolutely no way I can continue. Once I lose sight of that initial passion and spark that inspired me to create in the first place, I want to abandon it and move on to something else. 

The way my creative process works is similar to the onset of labor. It comes in its own time, and once it does, there is no stopping it. You can prepare all you want, but there is truly no telling when it will come. Upon arrival, it is all consuming. Everything else can wait. Ready or not, it is happening now. That is how it feels when I am working on a project. As a manifesting generator, I know it is important to do things when I feel lit up and inspired. That is how I operate best and how I deliver my best work. 

This creation and birthing process has repeated itself many times throughout my career as a business owner, but my most recent experience of it came through releasing my first yoga nidra audio recording into the world. This was a creation I have been wanting to put out there for about 18 months. I have tried multiple times to record it, but for one reason or another, every time it failed. I knew this time would be different. The time was ripe and I could feel it in my bones. I had no idea what was ahead of me, but my intuitive knowing that it was really going to happen this time was enough. I first recorded the whole thing and made the initial edits on a Tuesday night and that felt like a huge win! What I did not realize was that I still had about 20 hours or so of editing to do after that. I had other projects going on that week. I had other things I wanted to do. I was at a point in my monthly cycle where I had a lot of energy that I would have liked to be discharging in a more physical way - vigorous exercise, socialization, etc. 

However, none of that was possible. The laboring had begun and I was in the all-consuming vortex of creation. I had a friend help me with the editing and he could only meet up at night. I already work long days and I would come home and edit the track with him for 4-5 hours. I listened to the same 51 minutes of myself talking 2-3 times a day for that entire week between our late night editing sessions. It was grueling. It was intense. I started to hate the sound of my own voice and this beautiful yoga nidra that I had written and loved so much became like nails on a chalkboard to me. 

I hit a wall. It was that moment when the baby is crowning and the mama feels like she cannot go on, even though she is so close. I woke up on Saturday morning, completely convinced that I could not continue. This time would indeed be like all the other times I attempted and failed. I was feeling defeated and I just wanted to be done! I made my morning cacao, reflected, and decided I would try for one more day. I reached for my dōTERRA Melissa essential oil, put my thumb over the top, and flipped the bottle over. As I pressed my thumb to the roof of my mouth to apply the oil, I asked for a new experience. I asked to lay down for that yoga nidra with fresh ears and an open heart. 

Something happened in that yoga nidra. The sweetness returned. I got so much healing from the practice that I had worked so hard to create. I loved the message, the intention, and didn’t even mind the sound of my voice. I came out of that practice completely expanded. Just when I thought I had no capacity to expand any more, I did. I couldn’t help but think that this is how mothers must feel during those last moments of birthing. Just when they think they absolutely cannot expand any more, they do. When you are really meant to birth something (or someone!), spirit has a way of making it happen. I have tears in my eyes as I write this. What an expansive experience creation is. I came out of that yoga nidra practice feeling like I had finally touched what it feels like to be limitless. 

Later that morning, I joined my community for a breathwork session where I felt so loved and held. I got up in the middle of it and danced with myself in my mirror. I moved all that stagnant “I can’t” energy out of my body and rejoiced! I still had work ahead of me to produce the final recording, but I knew it was possible. There were no limits to how much I could expand in order to bring this offering to life. Most importantly, I tapped into the feeling I would have when it was finished. I felt the baby on my chest. I felt the sense of ease, love, pride, and joy that would wash over me the moment that yoga nidra was available for download on my website. I loved that project into existence. It was my baby. It was mine to create and here I was laboring to give it life. What could possibly be more beautiful than that?

A few days later when it went live, I felt that feeling again. The feeling I had rehearsed for months became my present moment reality, just as it had been in my rehearsals. It was now familiar to me so it was easily recognizable when it came. The baby was on my chest. The recording was making its way into people’s homes to be used as a tool for healing, exactly as I had intended. I had been dreaming of this day for 18 months and now it was here. This seed had been planted in my heart by spirit because it was meant to be birthed through me. The pain of the labor became a distant memory. All the intensity and negative feelings I experienced during those late night hours of editing quickly disappeared and were replaced by a flood of “feel good” chemicals. This is how creators keep creating. This is how mothers keep birthing. When something is yours to bring into existence, you will expand as much as is needed to do so. You have to. It is divinely guided. 

This post is as much for me as it is for you. I want to have this here forever, so that when my next creative project is “crowning” and I am wanting to give up in the midst of all that intensity, I can refer back to this and remember that I can expand. And I will expand. I have to because the creations that come to me can only be birthed through me. Such is the way of nature. The same is true for you. And the world so desperately needs the unique medicine YOU have to share at this time.