Wow! 2020… what a year, am I right?? I think it is safe to say that 2020 is the most challenging year we have collectively faced in our lifetimes. I have had more difficult years and hit much lower bottoms in my own life (2010 to be specific was definitely the worst year of my personal life). However, 2020 challenged everyone… at the same time. 2020 stripped us down and stretched us in ways many of us could have never imagined. We were forced to face ourselves and each other in unprecedented ways. 

As I begin to receive downloads for my intentions for the following year, it is important for me to consider how I have grown and what I have built during the previous year. In the case of 2020, that was a lot! Despite tremendous hardships and setbacks both personally and collectively, 2020 was one of the most productive and groundbreaking years of my life. 

My journey through 2020 began in Sandia Park, New Mexico at a New Year’s retreat with my breathwork teacher during the final week of 2019. On this retreat, the main event is a fire walk, where each participant walks across hot coals, while the group chants their word for the year. In the days leading up to the fire walk, we were asked to contemplate our words. The one that kept coming up for me was “discipline.” I hated this word. I strongly resisted it. I wanted a better, cooler, more edgy word. Other people had words and phrases like, “Love,” “Expansion,” “Sunfire Heart,” “Sacred Sex,” or “Juicy,” and here I was with “Discipline.” I journaled, I meditated, I did breathwork, and I desperately tried to ditch this horribly boring word in favor of a sexier one. Unfortunately, it was this dreaded word that kept coming up. I couldn’t deny that it was coming from deep within. There was an intuitive knowing that this would be the theme of 2020 for me. 

After having a concerned discussion with my teacher over the horror of the word “discipline,” he reminded me that you don’t have to like your word, but you do have to trust your intuition. So, there I went, running across burning coals, chanting “DI-SCI-PLINE” as loud as I could while the entire group witnessed and encouraged me. The only other intention I spoke into the fire that night was my desire to launch my conscious twerking/chakra healing dance program in 2020. So, with discipline and chakra shaking in mind, I innocently stepped forward into 2020, excited for the possibilities ahead of me…

The beginning of 2020 brought abundant blessings. I was just starting to get a strong foothold with my studio classes and was building an amazing community around me. I had the honor of leading the Yin Yoga teacher training at Hot 8 Yoga in January 2020 and that was one of the highlights of my life to date. I love teaching and I love empowering others and this teacher training allowed me to do both of those things. I met so many beautiful souls as a result of that training who still bless and enrich my life today! I was starting to build the Breathwork Breakthroughs Division of Rock to Recovery® with my amazing colleague and friend. I was excited to bring the healing power of breathwork to people who could really benefit from it. I was in a good routine with my dance classes and loved the community of sisters I was building in that space. Then, BOOM!

...ENTER THE GLOBAL PANDEMIC!! 

Just like that, life as I knew it ended and my momentum in all I was building came to a screeching halt. The fear I felt at the beginning of the shutdowns was so intense. How was I going to survive? How was I going to pay my bills? How was I going to continue teaching and building my dream career? Was I going to get sick? Would I lose someone I loved? I had so many questions and very few answers. I simply had to put one foot in front of the other and keep taking the next indicated action. This was not new to me, as early sobriety was my first teacher of this lesson. When everything is unknown and overwhelming, just do the next right thing over and over and over again. The entire year became an exercise in putting one foot in front of the other, no matter what. 

Now that teaching in studios was no longer an option, it was time to get serious about building my own business and taking my offerings online. I had absolutely no idea where to begin, but I knew I needed to get super uncomfortable and just do it. I had a writing professor in college who always talked about “the shitty first draft.” The white paper staring back at you is always the greatest obstacle to overcome. You just have to be willing to go for it and put your thoughts on paper. Even if your ideas are not cohesive, anything is better than the blank white page! Her emphasis on the “shitty first draft” has not only helped me in writing, but has served as a powerful life lesson. Starting my business during a global pandemic was all about “shitty first drafts.” Don’t get me wrong, I stand behind each and every offering I have ever presented to this world. What I mean by this is there was a lot of leaping with the hope that a net would appear. There was a ton of trial and error. I would present a new offering, see how it landed, then either continue it or scrap it in favor of something else. Sometimes I felt like I was throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what stuck, but I kept flinging noodles all year long! Through the failures, the successes, the hardships, and the triumphs, I showed up every day and did my best. 

This year was all about figuring it out on the fly. As a manifesting generator, that was a dream in many ways. I got to try a lot of new things, work on a bunch of different projects  at once, and continuously abandon what was not working in favor of something new that might work. However, the unknown is excruciatingly painful for me. Given the amount of mutable energy in my natal chart, you would think being adaptable is my jam. Unfortunately, that is not the case. I was raised in an incredibly structured, scheduled, and organized household, so I really struggle with uncertainty. I had to step out of my comfort zone (really, more like hurl myself out of my comfort zone!) over and over again. 

Guiding healing practices is something I have received extensive training in and also something that comes naturally to me. It is my dharma. I was born to do this work. The behind the scenes part of building a business was a totally different story. This is where the discipline came in. My word for the year served me well in the hours upon hours spent behind a computer screen, sometimes until 3:00 am, learning, researching, writing, building, creating, and responding to emails (everyone’s favorite business activity!). I got frustrated, I wanted to give up, I questioned myself, but I stayed the course. Every time I wanted to quit, I dug in deeper and got even more disciplined. I understood that the backend work was equally as important as the work I do with my clients. This year was all about building a solid infrastructure for my business.

I poured everything I had into birthing Elsa’s Offerings. In April, I got my website up and running, started offering virtual classes on Zoom, and started my email newsletter list. I wrote my first blog post in April… then didn’t post again until September (oops!). I discovered I was down with teaching on Zoom, but Instagram Live was not for me. I learned that I love sharing breathwork, yoga nidra, and reiki healing over Zoom, but I don’t love teaching asana classes virtually as much. What stuck out to me most during the early days of teaching online during the pandemic was the incredible support I got from my students and community. Teaching outside of a studio for the first time allowed me to see how much my students value my offerings. They showed up, donated generously, spread the word about my classes, and encouraged me every step of the way. I will be forever grateful for that early support because I really needed it to make a beginning as a business owner. 

In early May, I went fully legit and created Elsa’s Offerings LLC. I officially became a business owner! The process of creating my LLC, paying a large sum of money for it, and getting all of my paperwork in order was a huge step for me. Energetically, I was telling the universe, “I am serious. I am doing this for real. Please send abundant blessings my way.” It still feels surreal every time I get a letter in the mail that begins with “Dear Business Owner.” Usually these letters are demanding money of some kind for taxes, fees, etc or offering me lines of credit I don’t want, but it still feels amazing to be taken seriously by the world. This was the last major victory of Spring!

...Enter Summer 2020…

Summer was the darkest time of this past year for me. As a summer girl through and through - lover of shorts, swimsuits, and the sun, with an ample amount of Gemini and Leo in her chart - summer is usually my time to shine. I generally feel vibrant and alive in the late spring and summer, but not this year! Right around the time of my birthday (June 11th), I began to feel incredibly depressed. I wasn’t exactly sure why, but I felt my creative juices running low in late May, following the initial creative burst I had getting my business off the ground. When the Black Lives Matter movement took center stage, I was not sure how to respond. I ended up freezing, which is a reaction I am not proud of. I did not take action and I did not stand up in a meaningful way for a cause I am wholeheartedly behind. I didn’t know what to say or how to go about sharing. I was still working a ton and I allowed that to be an excuse for why I did not show up to protests. I chose to take time away from social media instead of engaging. My lack of involvement in the Black Lives Matter movement over the summer is my greatest regret of 2020. I did not meet the moment. I failed to act. I had the historic opportunity to be an ally in a movement that I fully support, and instead, I was paralyzed. This is a source of deep shame and sadness for me. I have wished many times I could go back to late May/early June and have a “do over.” I would have done things very differently. However, I know that shame and regret will not serve anyone. I need to forgive myself for my past failures and commit myself to anti-racist work every day going forward. I will take this moment to say that I stand with the Black Lives Matter movement. I am committed to doing anti-racist work in my personal life, as well as building my business upon a foundation of this work. I know words mean nothing unless supported by continuous action, so I commit to taking consistent aligned action in this arena.

By the time mid-July rolled around, I was extremely depressed and lost. I have not wanted to drink or use drugs that badly since my first year sober. I found myself literally saying things like, “if this is what the world is like, I don’t want to live in it.” I had lost momentum in my business, I was creatively drained, and I was questioning everything. Not to mention, Cancer sits in my 8th House, so Cancer Season always brings up the big feelings and life themes for me - death, rebirth, transformation, addiction, sexuality, and my shadow self. This year, Cancer Season brought with it a lot of triggers around my past sexual abuse. For over a decade, I was haunted by the fact that I never reported my abuse and never gave myself the opportunity to speak my truth. I had dreamt of the day when I would make that report every day since I was assaulted. That day finally came on July 20, 2020. That was one of the most triumphant days of my life. Finally, my truth was spoken and I completed that cycle of trauma. I know my work with Kimberly Johnson in her Activate Your Inner Jaguar course this summer prepared me for that moment. I mobilized a healthy fight response to my sexual trauma for the first time in my life. This experience was a huge step on my healing journey and I am so grateful that 2020 was the year I was finally able to follow through with this. (I have an entire blog post dedicated to this experience, which you can read here).

August and September were still quite challenging for me, despite the boost I got from Leo Season and the triumph of filing the police report in July. I humbled myself and went back to therapy, after a 3 year hiatus. It helped tremendously, but I knew I needed to get back into a creative space. I wanted to create a community and a nurturing container for people to grow together. I could see that the people who were really having success in the virtual yoga and healing spaces either created a membership platform or specific programs. I knew my “a la carte” class model was not working, but I had no idea how to apply the membership or program model to my unique offerings. 

On Monday, September 28, 2020 I received the download for my first ever signature program THE DEEP! I was home alone in a space of quiet reflection when the exact outline of the program came to me at once. Of course, it took a little bit of time to work out all the exact details, but I went to bed that night knowing I had come up with something really good. The next day, I got to work creating everything for the launch and one week later, THE DEEP was announced to the world. Launching THE DEEP was huge for me. I could literally feel creative shakti energy running through my body. I felt electric and alive in a whole new way. However, my core insecurities also reared their ugly heads. This was my first time birthing a creation that was completely my own. I battled all the doubts, “What if it sucks? What if nobody signs up? What if I am not good enough to facilitate this? What if I fail? What does that say about me? Am I worthless?” These doubts and fears followed me around constantly in the week leading up to the launch of THE DEEP. Every time these doubts cropped up, I went deeper into creation mode. I prayed, I meditated, I nourished myself, and I surrounded myself with supportive women. I am infinitely grateful to my mentor Caitlin for holding my hand through this creation process. She was there for me every step of the way leading up to the launch and I couldn’t have done it without her!

Once THE DEEP filled up and registration closed, I was immensely proud of myself. This accomplishment was a huge step in my sacral chakra healing journey, which I will share more about in a future post when I am ready. Creating, birthing, and seeing this program through from start to finish was so big for me. Facilitating THE DEEP was the highlight of my year, hands down. Guiding twelve beautiful souls into the depths of their shadows and back out again during Scorpio Season is an experience I will never forget. I plan to facilitate many more programs throughout my career, but this first round of THE DEEP with this cohort will always hold a very special place in my heart. A HUGE thank you to these twelve brave souls for your trust and courage! You touched me more than you know and taught me so much. 

I saw a friend on Christmas Day and we reflected on 2020 together. I mentioned that creating THE DEEP is what pulled me out of the depths of the depression I had been in over the summer. He looked me right in the eye and said, “That’s right. You saved you. Nobody else did it for you.” He is right. I saved myself. My creativity saved me. As an incredibly extroverted person, 2020 was so challenging for me. The social isolation and lack of interaction with large groups of people left me feeling pretty energetically drained a lot of the time. However, the one thing that has constantly saved me is my ability to create. The flow of shakti energy has been a powerful force for personal healing this year. I am infinitely blessed to have such incredible people surrounding me in this life. However, this year taught me that I can do things alone if necessary. I can pull resources from within that I didn't even know existed. I can connect to an infinite divine source and draw strength from it. 

After THE DEEP wrapped up, it seemed the only intention left unfulfilled in 2020 was the launch of my divine feminine, sacral chakra healing movement class. This is one offering I was very set on hosting in-person. I didn’t think it would translate into the virtual space in a meaningful way. I planned to run it for the first time in December with four of my closest friends, on a very small scale, to symbolically bring this vision to life. However, a COVID exposure prevented this from happening. I resigned to the fact that, despite my best efforts, it was not going to happen in 2020. 

As always, spirit works in mysterious ways. On December 28th, I received a call from a friend who was hosting a virtual New Year’s Eve party, combining tons of different practices and asked if I wanted to be a part of it. Other guides were offering breathwork, tarot readings, yoga, meditation, astrology workshops, etc. I immediately said I was in, but only if I could host ecstatic dance or a twerk party! She enthusiastically agreed and the first iteration of my conscious twerk offering was born. On the very last day of 2020, I presented my last creation of the year. We moved our bodies, delighted in our femininity, celebrated our uniqueness, and rejoiced!

2020 was a transformational year. I started the year literally walking on fire, then spent the rest of the year walking through fire. I learned how to be more comfortable in the unknown and how to constantly adapt. I faced myself and completed a cycle of trauma that had been left unresolved for over a decade. I stayed disciplined and worked extremely hard to build my business. I learned how to be ok with spending a lot more time alone, while finding unconventional ways to connect with my community virtually. The biggest lesson for me in 2020 was learning to harness the healing power of creativity. I pushed through a major limiting belief I have carried with me my entire life that “I am not creative.” I channeled my creative energy in amazing ways throughout 2020 and this is how I saved myself in the dark moments. I continuously rose from the ashes throughout this tumultuous year. This is a lesson I will carry with me into 2021 and beyond. I cannot wait to continue giving birth to new offerings that serve my ever-expanding community. My motto for 2021 is “Expansion through Consistency” and I look forward to witnessing the unexpected ways this serves me throughout this year. I am glad to be hanging up “discipline” as 2020 comes to a close, but I cannot deny that it served me well throughout this unprecedented year.